Choosing To Do The Hard Thing
Dear Mom and Dad,
Did you ever have something you knew you needed to do but pushed it off for as long as you could because it was hard? Did you ever get to a point when you chose to do the hard thing because you just couldn’t put it off any longer? I’m guessing you had to do that a lot in your lives and I just have been wondering lately how you found the strength and motivation to actually do it. How did you do it? I’m kind of there right now. Let me explain.
I’m writing a book about you. About losing both of you. I’ve had a lot of it written for quite some time. It actually came about from these letters I started writing to you many years ago. It felt like a way to keep you in my life and since I’ve always loved writing letters, I decided on using my letters to you as a theme.
It is now 10 years later and I still haven’t finished the book. I do have a lot of it written but it’s just not finished. The chapters are outlined, an introduction and several chapters are written. I’ve even had what they call a first pages critique done on some of it by an actual editor and pitched it to legit publishing companies. Most importantly, I have letters. But lately I’ve found that I haven’t been able to write some of the chapters. It’s like I got to a certain point of the story and now, I’ve found it difficult to put pen to paper to write the rest of the story. Making the outline and determining how many chapters the book is meant to be broken down into and even drafting reflective questions for potential readers to answer is complete. It’s filling in everything in between that is proving to be the most difficult part.
I’ve read many articles and even spoken about things like overcoming writer’s block, feeling stuck with what I’m supposed to say, and finding the time to write. But I’ve realized recently it isn’t any of those challenges I have been facing. I used to think it was just me procrastinating. Then after reading a book called The Six Types of Working Genius, I thought it was not procrastination but, rather, my lack of having the genius of tenacity. I was searching for reasons to explain why I couldn’t just finish the book and have finally come to what I believe to be the truth.
It’s just hard.
Even now, ten years later, it’s still hard to go to those deep places of woundedness that I feel over the loss of you. Even now, after doing a lot of self-reflection and what they call story work as a form of therapy to overcome trauma, it’s still hard. Logically, it shouldn’t be hard because there has been so much time that has passed but at the same time, that doesn’t really matter because the pain and sorrow is still there. Even now, considering the fact that I co-host a podcast about grief and loss and suffering, it’s hard.
A common theme that keeps popping up in articles I’ve read and in various podcast episodes I’ve listened to is the idea when faced with the choice of doing the hardest thing or lots of little things, we have a tendency to choose the easiest tasks first. And for me, that has meant filling my plate with a lot of little things to keep me busy and then, I lament the fact that I don’t have time to write. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew what I was doing. I was filling my days and hours with so-called busy work so that I had the excuse of not having time. I was the only one getting in the way of writing this particular book in the series that is my life. Because it’s hard.
I’m honestly hoping that writing to you both again will help. Maybe some of the memories I’ve deeply repressed and buried down deep won’t seem so hard to access if I just write. Even if it’s hard, I’m going to write. I’m intentionally choosing to do the hard thing first in order to continue the healing I know God wants for me.
Anyways, say hi to Nana and Papa and Grandma and Grandpa. And uncle Paul and Aunt Carolyn, uncle Tom, uncle Steve and all of our other family and friends with you. I pray the perpetual light shines upon you. Until we meet again, God bless.
