It’s Been a While . . .

Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I’m sorry.

I actually wrote a letter to Jesus the other day. I didn't know what else to do. I sat in front of Him in our Adoration chapel and just laid everything at His feet in the form of a letter written to Him. 

I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I remember you always worrying about me because I was always "on the go". I think it's finally caught up with me. I was in the hospital a couple of months ago. And I think it was God's way of slowing me down because He knew I wasn't taking good care of myself. 

Mom and dad, I'm going to do better. I've got to do better. I can't afford not to do better and I shared all of this and more with Jesus in that letter. I asked Him to help me because I have to do better but I can’t do it by myself. And I can't take care of anyone else if I'm not caring for myself. Mom and Dad, I'm asking for your intercession. I really want to do better. I don't want my kids to have to force me to go to the doctor like I did with you mom, before it's too late. Dad, I don't want my kids to see how sick I am and feel like they have to tell me to make sure cancer hasn't returned like I did for you. Mom and Dad, I hated it when the kids saw me in the hospital this past July. It absolutely broke my heart. Is that how both of you felt when I came to see you when you were in the hospital?

I’ve never been one to hide my emotions. In fact, I’ve been told on more occasions than I can count that I show my emotions too easily. It’s because of that reason that I need to do better in taking care of myself because I want to live a long and healthy life so I can see my children grow up to be adults. I want to know that I have done everything possible to be a part of their lives for as long as God intends.

But taking care of myself isn’t easy and it’s certainly not just about taking care of my physical body. It’s about taking care of myself in every aspect and that includes mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It means when I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to give, I know I can truly surrender it all to God and allow Him to take care of me. He’s really been reinforcing this concept of surrender this year and I admit, I’ve been stubborn. And as any father with a sometimes stubborn daughter, I think He had to force me to slow down and listen to what my body was so desperately trying to tell me for more than a year now.

I can’t just say I’m going to do better, I have to actually do better.

“Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything.”

I find myself repeating those last words from the Surrender Novena over and over until I actually feel like I truly am surrendering everything to him. And prayer, just like any other muscle in the body, gets stronger the more you use it so I’m choosing to use this prayer to help me grow in strength of not only surrendering everything over to Him but also trusting Him. And that also means being ok with not knowing what the future holds. For the planner in me, that’s really hard. But if I’ve learned nothing else in these past several months, it’s that only God knows what He has in store for me and His timing is always perfect.

I love you both dearly and will continue to seek your intercession as well as so many beloved saints who have found me over the years.

Until we meet again, God bless.

Love,

Jennifer