I went back to school this week. I know, it sounds a bit strange especially considering we are in the month of October. No, I haven’t decided to pursue my doctorate, although the thought has crossed my mind. I went back to school because I work at a school and after a longer than anticipated summer break which I shared about in my most recent article for Catholic Mom (you can read it HERE), I was finally able to go back to work.

Throughout this extended time of being home, God has been teaching me so much. Not only have I been learning about what it means to suffer and try to suffer well, I’m also learning about what it means to become comfortable with not knowing what my future holds. It’s such a struggle for me, especially because I’m a planner at heart.

I’ve planned in professional settings and recently as a lay person when I coordinated a women’s conference this past April. When it comes to family vacations, my husband often has to remind me not to plan everything and to leave time for us all to just chill and relax. It’s hard for me to rest and have idle time because I feel like I should be doing something. In the past, I’ve based my own worth as a person on my accomplishments. But that’s not what God wants for me, nor does He want that for any of us. Maybe I’ll explore that more another time.

I think what makes it hard for me is that if I plan something, I can anticipate what’s next and for the last several months, my planning has been around doctor’s appointments and procedures. I haven’t been able to plan the things that I enjoy planning because of all of these other ongoing challenges I face even three months later. I can’t plan because I am having to take everything day by day.

The unknown is uncomfortable, especially for a planner. It brings on a different level of anxiety that is difficult to explain. There have been days when my anxious mind has wandered far into the future and I have to bring myself back to the present moment. I have come to rely on a particular scripture verse that I have tucked into the side of my bathroom mirror.

“Cast all your worries upon Him because He cares for you.”  

1 Peter 5:7

If I break it down, it’s almost like it’s actually two sentences. “Cast all your worries upon Him...” That means letting go of not only worries but the anxieties that come from the unknown. “…[B]ecause He cares for you.” He cares for me. Like no one else can, God cares for me. He cares for me in a way that only the Father loves His child. And because of His love for me, He is helping me become more comfortable with all of these unknowns.

It feels like I’m entering into a new chapter of my life and that God is revealing yet another way I need to learn to surrender. Almost as if He’s asking me to lean deeper into my word of the year and not just repeat those last words of the Surrender Novena but to mean them and believe that He will take care of everything because He does, indeed, care for me.

God bless.